We each carry a sexual burden and sexual blessing inheritance.
Just as we inherit our looks and features from our ancestors, we embody many beliefs and behaviors about sexuality from our family. Some of those may be helpful blessings, like a commitment to sexual freedom or erotic giftedness, and some may be burdens like shame or sexual repression. Until we are aware of what sexual blessings and burdens we have inherited, we can’t be in conscious choice about how we will be in our sexual lives.
It’s important to make a map of the messages that we’ve received about sexuality from our families, and to become aware of the burdens and blessings about sex that we may be carrying from our ancestors.
In terms of ancestral sexual burdens you may be carrying, these are things like shame, repression, sexual violence (perpetrator or victim) or residual sexual trauma that has been passed down to you. If you personally have sexual trauma (and it’s my belief that most of us do, living in this culture) these can become entangled, so that it’s difficult to know what is yours, and what was handed to you.
For example, if I have had an extremely repressive religious upbringing, chances are that my sexual self-exploration (masturbation) will be impacted, without me ever having a chance to first figure out what my body does. If I accept without questions that the beliefs and teachings I’ve been given are true, I won’t be able to sexually self-determine. I don’t have freedom or choice about embodying what feels right to me personally, without the overlay of religion.
Sexual blessings you may be heir to include lustiness, sexual freedom, strong libido, erotic attunement etc. They may be things like feeling great about sex or your body. Can you think right now of one positive message you received from your family about sexuality? How has that informed your sexuality?
Working to untangle this ancestral and present-day morass can be helpful in developing personal sexual wellness.
It’s important to make a map of the messages that we’ve received about sexuality from our families, and to become aware of the burdens and blessings about sex that we may be carrying from our ancestors.
In terms of ancestral sexual burdens you may be carrying, these are things like shame, repression, sexual violence (perpetrator or victim) or residual sexual trauma that has been passed down to you. If you personally have sexual trauma (and it’s my belief that most of us do, living in this culture) these can become entangled, so that it’s difficult to know what is yours, and what was handed to you.
For example, if I have had an extremely repressive religious upbringing, chances are that my sexual self-exploration (masturbation) will be impacted, without me ever having a chance to first figure out what my body does. If I accept without questions that the beliefs and teachings I’ve been given are true, I won’t be able to sexually self-determine. I don’t have freedom or choice about embodying what feels right to me personally, without the overlay of religion.
Sexual blessings you may be heir to include lustiness, sexual freedom, strong libido, erotic attunement etc. They may be things like feeling great about sex or your body. Can you think right now of one positive message you received from your family about sexuality? How has that informed your sexuality?
Working to untangle this ancestral and present-day morass can be helpful in developing personal sexual wellness.
So how to begin this work?
Step one
Assess clearly what is what, and whose is whose. What are the messages you received about sexuality, intimacy and bodies from your family? In many families, much of this learning is unspoken, or taught through shaming.
Assessment also means doing a thorough inventory of your own sexual past and choices, sexual wounding, sexual wonderfuls. Often I have clients who have survived sexual assault. In digging more deeply, they find that they are the descendant of ancestors who suffered in this same way. Having clarity that something is both yours and not yours can be helpful in healing. In my professional opinion, it's quite helpful to have professionally trained support as you begin this work. It's sex, stuff definitely comes up!
Our families are complicated. They can be rife with paradox. The messages about sexuality can be mixed from different people, and even from the same person. For example, my father supported me in obtaining birth control when I was a teenager. He allowed my boyfriend to sleep over. He also called me a slut when he found me in bed with someone.
Families get even more complicated when sexual boundaries are not respected or violated. The incest taboo is there for biological and social reasons.
Step two
Acknowledge what is, and process what happened. Until the sexual wounding we (or our ancestors) experienced is acknowledged, it impacts our sexuality in unconscious and often negative ways. The truth we experience is held in our bodies, often as trauma. If it is not acknowledged and processed, and we choose to procreate, that trauma can get passed through to our children.
When we acknowledge what is, we often have to hold complicated or conflicting truths.
Working with sexuality through an ancestral lens is often a practice of holding contradiction. My ancestors may have committed sexual harm, or been the recipients of sexual wounding, in the same bloodline! Just as a living person can live the truth of being a victim of harm, and a survivor embodying wellness, this contradiction of harm and wellness is often found in our families and ancestry.
Contradiction is also found in our capacity for resiliency. Our capacity for resiliency actually emerges from the practice of being resilient in the face of harm. Our wellness is obtained from our commitment to it, and our practice of it! When we are willing to hold all of these contradictions without judgment of ourselves or our ancestors, it’s my belief that new healing frontiers open up.
Step one
Assess clearly what is what, and whose is whose. What are the messages you received about sexuality, intimacy and bodies from your family? In many families, much of this learning is unspoken, or taught through shaming.
Assessment also means doing a thorough inventory of your own sexual past and choices, sexual wounding, sexual wonderfuls. Often I have clients who have survived sexual assault. In digging more deeply, they find that they are the descendant of ancestors who suffered in this same way. Having clarity that something is both yours and not yours can be helpful in healing. In my professional opinion, it's quite helpful to have professionally trained support as you begin this work. It's sex, stuff definitely comes up!
Our families are complicated. They can be rife with paradox. The messages about sexuality can be mixed from different people, and even from the same person. For example, my father supported me in obtaining birth control when I was a teenager. He allowed my boyfriend to sleep over. He also called me a slut when he found me in bed with someone.
Families get even more complicated when sexual boundaries are not respected or violated. The incest taboo is there for biological and social reasons.
Step two
Acknowledge what is, and process what happened. Until the sexual wounding we (or our ancestors) experienced is acknowledged, it impacts our sexuality in unconscious and often negative ways. The truth we experience is held in our bodies, often as trauma. If it is not acknowledged and processed, and we choose to procreate, that trauma can get passed through to our children.
When we acknowledge what is, we often have to hold complicated or conflicting truths.
Working with sexuality through an ancestral lens is often a practice of holding contradiction. My ancestors may have committed sexual harm, or been the recipients of sexual wounding, in the same bloodline! Just as a living person can live the truth of being a victim of harm, and a survivor embodying wellness, this contradiction of harm and wellness is often found in our families and ancestry.
Contradiction is also found in our capacity for resiliency. Our capacity for resiliency actually emerges from the practice of being resilient in the face of harm. Our wellness is obtained from our commitment to it, and our practice of it! When we are willing to hold all of these contradictions without judgment of ourselves or our ancestors, it’s my belief that new healing frontiers open up.
Why or why not would we want to connect with our ancestors through a sexual lens?
Our commitment to our personal wellness includes being both well sexually, and in good relation with our ancestors. This requires ensuring that our ancestors are well, bright and in general excellent condition. The reasons to put one’s attention on the healing of sexual wounding within a bloodline are many; to interrupt cycles of harm, religious repression, shame, violence, boundary violations, incest, etc. To create a sexually well and sovereign personhood, one that is able to choose erotic practices and beliefs that are in alignment with the present day self.
Also, our erotic wellness is a gift to our ancestors. Our willingness to “clean up their messes” is an act of reverence and love that reverberates through time. For example, in my own family there is a history of sexual perpetration, that goes back for at least 3 generations. My commitment to developing my own sexual wellness has been a gift to those ancestors who both committed and experienced harm. It’s given a model for sustainable intimacy and relationships to my descendants.
And at least in my case, doing this work has given my perpetrator ancestors a chance to change, atone and heal. It’s hard to atone for a crime when no one is available to receive you. My availability to work with my ancestors who did harm has allowed them new choices in how they show up in the lineages.
This is not to say there are not dangers in working sexually with ancestors. If those you seek to work with are not completely well in spirit, and with a genuine desire to atone, it’s my sense that things can go sideways. In some traditions, there are strong taboos that caution against working in this way. The recommendation is to take extra safety precautions when doing this work. One elder I interviewed suggests doing this work with a spiritual mentor, who can help you do this work safely. There is the possibility of crossing the sex/family/incest line, especially with spirits who are poorly boundaried, or if you are.
That said, there are powerful implications for working in this way.
How to connect
The next practices I will suggest should be done only after doing significant ancestral lineage repair work, so that you know EXACTLY who you are working with. I do mean significant work, done with a skilled practitioner. You should have basic grounding and shielding skills. You need to be able to be in your body, because it is the safest place to be when doing this work. You also need to have support to call on.
Some practices to connect erotically with your well ancestors include:
Once you’ve worked to support healing in your ancestral lineages, and you have mapped and assessed the beliefs and burdens you’ve received about sexuality and bodies, you can choose to practice embodying the ancestral sexual blessings. Our pre-Christian ancestors had a radically different relationship with sexuality.
Sex was a source of pleasure, of strength, of connection and social bonding. Sex was integrated into life, instead of shamefully practiced after dark in bed under the covers. Sex was life! You most definitely have ancestors who loved sex, and had amazing sex! Maybe even who were gifted at sex! What would it be like to have that knowing, fully in your bones, as a sexual descendant!?
Our commitment to our personal wellness includes being both well sexually, and in good relation with our ancestors. This requires ensuring that our ancestors are well, bright and in general excellent condition. The reasons to put one’s attention on the healing of sexual wounding within a bloodline are many; to interrupt cycles of harm, religious repression, shame, violence, boundary violations, incest, etc. To create a sexually well and sovereign personhood, one that is able to choose erotic practices and beliefs that are in alignment with the present day self.
Also, our erotic wellness is a gift to our ancestors. Our willingness to “clean up their messes” is an act of reverence and love that reverberates through time. For example, in my own family there is a history of sexual perpetration, that goes back for at least 3 generations. My commitment to developing my own sexual wellness has been a gift to those ancestors who both committed and experienced harm. It’s given a model for sustainable intimacy and relationships to my descendants.
And at least in my case, doing this work has given my perpetrator ancestors a chance to change, atone and heal. It’s hard to atone for a crime when no one is available to receive you. My availability to work with my ancestors who did harm has allowed them new choices in how they show up in the lineages.
This is not to say there are not dangers in working sexually with ancestors. If those you seek to work with are not completely well in spirit, and with a genuine desire to atone, it’s my sense that things can go sideways. In some traditions, there are strong taboos that caution against working in this way. The recommendation is to take extra safety precautions when doing this work. One elder I interviewed suggests doing this work with a spiritual mentor, who can help you do this work safely. There is the possibility of crossing the sex/family/incest line, especially with spirits who are poorly boundaried, or if you are.
That said, there are powerful implications for working in this way.
How to connect
The next practices I will suggest should be done only after doing significant ancestral lineage repair work, so that you know EXACTLY who you are working with. I do mean significant work, done with a skilled practitioner. You should have basic grounding and shielding skills. You need to be able to be in your body, because it is the safest place to be when doing this work. You also need to have support to call on.
Some practices to connect erotically with your well ancestors include:
- having your ancestor altar in your bedroom
- Making an offering of your pleasure/orgasm to your ancestors CONSENT IS KEY, both yours and theirs.
- Invoking healing for you and your bloodlines, during sex
Once you’ve worked to support healing in your ancestral lineages, and you have mapped and assessed the beliefs and burdens you’ve received about sexuality and bodies, you can choose to practice embodying the ancestral sexual blessings. Our pre-Christian ancestors had a radically different relationship with sexuality.
Sex was a source of pleasure, of strength, of connection and social bonding. Sex was integrated into life, instead of shamefully practiced after dark in bed under the covers. Sex was life! You most definitely have ancestors who loved sex, and had amazing sex! Maybe even who were gifted at sex! What would it be like to have that knowing, fully in your bones, as a sexual descendant!?
Trans people are the keepers of change
Knowing our history is of course quite important. Leslie Feinberg, Sylvia Rivera, Marsha P. Johnson, Lou Sullivan: these are names we should know. And yet it's quite different to know your history intellectually, than it is feel support, connection and blessing from the great Trans dead.
Our queer ancestors and our transcestors often remain invisible in genealogy research, and as a result we may feel isolated or disconnected from our familial blessings of gender and sexuality. However, there have been queer and trans folks for as long as humanity has been around. There have ALWAYS been gender-blessed beings, who do not fit into nor conform to the gender binary. These folks in many Earth-honoring cultures were considered the magick makers, the healers, the ritualists. Of course Transcestors exist in your own ancestral lines, and can be called on to support you during these challenging times.
I am deeply committed to supporting Trans folks to create connection with their Transcestors. As trans people, we hold a sacred willingness to embody truth that’s both mutable and disambiguous. We are living the threshold.
Creating connection with and deeply honoring our Transcestors gives us a sense of belonging, both on Earth and in time. Feeling the presence, blessing, wisdom and guidance of those who lived their gender differently than societal norms allows us to remember who we are, and why we are here, facing the transphobic bullshit that permeates western culture.
Our queer ancestors and our transcestors often remain invisible in genealogy research, and as a result we may feel isolated or disconnected from our familial blessings of gender and sexuality. However, there have been queer and trans folks for as long as humanity has been around. There have ALWAYS been gender-blessed beings, who do not fit into nor conform to the gender binary. These folks in many Earth-honoring cultures were considered the magick makers, the healers, the ritualists. Of course Transcestors exist in your own ancestral lines, and can be called on to support you during these challenging times.
I am deeply committed to supporting Trans folks to create connection with their Transcestors. As trans people, we hold a sacred willingness to embody truth that’s both mutable and disambiguous. We are living the threshold.
Creating connection with and deeply honoring our Transcestors gives us a sense of belonging, both on Earth and in time. Feeling the presence, blessing, wisdom and guidance of those who lived their gender differently than societal norms allows us to remember who we are, and why we are here, facing the transphobic bullshit that permeates western culture.
My transcestors said to me;
"This magic of being trans is bigger than you can see, more powerful than you can perceive.
It's about evolution of our species."
"This magic of being trans is bigger than you can see, more powerful than you can perceive.
It's about evolution of our species."
